Category: Silent Conversations

Reader submitted – column where we will help you unsilence you.

Making Friends?

Hey Silenced Woman,

I need to know how to make friends. I am so bored all the time. I’m cool with people in my area online and I really wanna be their friend!! But how?! I feel like I am shooting my shot when I message them like ‘hey you’re cool wanna hang out?” 

Any suggestions?

Friendless in Seattle.

Okay. So I really can’t help you here. LOL! Seriously, I literally sent a female a message like “we always comment on each other stuff and seem to have a lot in common. We should hang out” and I seriously felt like I was shooting my shot to a chick and it was super awkward! Personally, I am a loner. I go to work and I come home. So I have no idea how to tell you how to make friends other than, just be unapologetically you. The energy and vibes you send off will bring the people to you. Oddly enough, I started being unapologetically me, and I get a lot of love from new people. Which is awesome, but I’m also very protective of me, I love my bubble of solitude and the +1 place has already been filled :). soul

So my advice is , just be you! If they post about hang out spots or whatever, comment and say that you’re interested. You have to feel froggy when it comes to making new friends. That’s something not everyone is comfortable with. Just do what feels right. Whatever you do, don’t be so pressed that you force yourself into it. That’ll never end well and that’s my story. No matter how adaptable you are, don’t force yourself to be who you’re not, to avoid being bored. I hope this helps!

To my readers – Can yall shoot some advice to this young queen?!

 

Besos, my love!

Ashleigh Noelle

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Focus Shift…

Hey Silenced Woman,

I’ve had it up to my wits end with my relationship. It’s been seven years, we have four children and he just refuses to step up and be what I need and want him to be. He’s okay with just getting by. We both work and make decent money, but our household is always struggling. I’m tired of sacrificing all the time while he doesn’t at all. I don’t know what to do honestly. Heart says stay, my mind says go. Help!!

Ok, so first take a breather. You sound exactly how I felt in my last relationship. It’s nothing worse than seeing someone with so much potential just do nothing with it and unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how much YOU believe, if they don’t, your belief doesn’t matter. Secondly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, ITS STUPID AS FUCK.giphy

Seriously, and I am the most “follow you heart” person in the world, but your heart will have you in a relationship simply because you care about the other person and their feelings, but you cannot be a prisoner of love. Ultimately, you shouldn’t have to settle or sacrifice anything, but life happens. We as women fuck up with these men because we want them to be comfortable, we accept them as they are, but fall in love with their potential, but when those rose glasses come off, GIRL!! It’s a sight to be seen.

fight-for-youIt just seems like its time for you to re-evaluate your relationship, especially with the children involved and please don’t “stay together for the kids” it’s not worth it. Take some time mediate, take a nice bath and get you a glass of wine and write down what YOU want in a man and in a relationship. Write down what’s acceptable and what’s not, then write down the qualities of your man, and see how they match up. But doing this, also take time to self evaluate you, one thing I learned in my last relationship is, if it ever seems like a cycle is repeating, if the story has new characters, and the outcome is the same, the problem then becomes self. For me, my ex would always compare me to the mother of his child, tell me how he’s going through some of the same things he went through with her, basically would call me the girl’s twin and during our relationship I felt like shit. How could I remind you of the person you said hurt you? img_4088

After we broke up, I really have been just taking time to re-assess. I haven’t done the whole “I want you back” more of a “I miss you and I hate that we are in this place” but it’s giving me time to really allow my emotions to settle, and see what it really is. I’ll be honest, I do wish that we could get it right, but we can’t and its okay. Just because you care about someone, doesn’t mean you have to be romantically involved with them. As I am learning, a soul mate is a life partner in any form – friend, lover, parent, pet lol, so don’t get caught up on the “we’re married. we got kids. I invested my time” Focus on you. Focus on your babies. He’s either gonna get inspired and get on, or get left and as I’ve been saying lately – if it doesn’t set your soul on fire, it’s gotta go!8257f37787b85190cec30961a66f3654

I hope this helps!

Ash
AN

SC: “I don’t trust him”

 

Hi,

I love your blog. It’s awesome and I hope you can help me. I don’t trust my man! We’ve had trust issues in our relationship not really infidelity just speculation but I can’t help this gut feeling I have! I try to discuss it and he attacks my insecurities or will intimidate me. He lies so much. He’ll tell me he’s with his boys and I’ll see him get in a car with other women. He has one story before he leaves, and then another one when he comes back. My friends say leave. My heart wants to stay. Please help. 

Well love, you have to put your big girl panties on and confront him, or walk away without question. Does it matter if you know he’s cheating? Are you going to leave? I’m sure you probably asked him if he was cheating on you, he deflected the attention off him and on to you, victimized himself and made you the villain, left you feeling like shit. Wondering what’s wrong with you? Asking yourself “why am I such an emotional ass girl?” Sound familiar?

If it does, take my advice and RUN. Please. Exit stage left, do not pass go, do not collect $200!!! Your situation is familiar to one I’ve been though and I know exactly how you’re feeling and during that time I talked to a few people I trust and someone sent me a link 10 Signs You’re dating a narcissist, baby that article opened my eyes! I went through everything you went through and more! I didn’t leave right away and that’s where I fucked up, I stayed and subjected myself to his emotional and mental abuse. I questioned everything about me, because it didn’t make sense. I didn’t deserve any of how he treated me but I loved him so I stayed praying he would change. Big mistake because the damage done was irreparable and affects my relationships, now.. I say walk away, he’ll be mad and try to hurt you to bring you down, don’t let him.

If you want to move on you’re going to have to rid yourself of him and his energy because – transference of energy is real watch Two Can Play That Game. It’s my favorite breakup movie. It’ll make you laugh and probably cry but you’ll laugh so much more. But seriously his energy and his demons will continue to try and lash out and control you until you cut the soul ties. If you’re gonna stay you gotta take your feelings out, yet who wants to love heartlessly?

You’ve inspired my next post. But I’ll link you to another young lady’s blog filled with information about energy, protecting you from you and everyone else. 

I really hope this helps. I hope you find peace. I’ve been there, it’s a horrible feeling and it’ll get worse until you decide “no”.


*The owner didn’t respond to my request to post her link so it’s been included in senders original email* 

‘My Person’

Hey girl!! You’re in a group on facebook and I saw your post about your blog so I wanted to reach out. My person has been really distant, sex aint the same, our vibe aint the same. He’s always on his phone from the time he awakes until he goes to bed. I ask him about his day he never goes into details, just that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m trying to love him but he won’t let me. It’s been almost a year, my friends say leave but my heart says stay. Help?

Hey love,

I can’t help you *insert crying laughing face here* because this too is something I have not figured out. I don’t think men put in as much emphasis on the emotional need in relationships as we do. We as women we need it, and we give it so much because we need it, but we don’t get it back as often as we give and it can create problems in your realtionship. The best advice I can give you is to communicate with him. Let him know how you feel, why you feel that way and have a few possible suggestions on how to solve this at YOUR level of appeasement. Always remember to keep an open mind and that there are other ways to get things done. However, if its bothering you, you gotta speak up and let him know. He can’t fix what he doesn’t know is broken. Now, sadly, the outcome may not be what you want, but either way the conversation needs to be had, your happiness, sanity and livlihood is dependent on it.

Don’t be afraid of losing him, if he was meant to be there, he’ll be there and if he not, tell his ass BOY, BYE!!!

Besos

AN