Category: Flirty 30 Transformation

February 27, 1988 a queen was born! Life has not been easy, despite the idea of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Follow me through my transition to being a better me for my Flirty 30!

Day 112 – Biggest Hurdle? Gone!

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Finally comfortable enough to do this.

I was a fat little oomph. I mean seriously. Size 16 down bottom, 38 H breast, and 1x shirts if not larger depending. I was a nice 225 and while everyone would comment on my weight, good or bad, I personally was at the lowest of my confidence and self that I had ever been. img_6249

See – this is me at 18. A solid 180 lbs., 36 DDD boobies. I was a healthy “thick” weight, for my age. Yet the attention I would get from grown men was a different story. img_6138

Then – I attended Morgan State University, and lost weight. Got down to 160. Hey Me!img_5171

After my first born, I stayed at a good 180 lbs. My tits were nice, my thighs were right and my ass was POPPIN! It wasn’t until my pregnancy with my son, I battled weight the most. In 2011, after giving birth and going from 176 to 215, I hovered at 195. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t have to wear girdles and shapers. I was comfortable. Then, the weight kept increasing. I got to a good 225 and was shopping at Forever 21, and I couldn’t fit my 16’s anymore. 18’s were perfect, and I cried. I remember putting the jeans back, and saying “Fuck that!” and I began my weight loss journey.

Being that big, I didn’t have the support I needed or wanted. My mom would always say I’m fat. I should stop eating. I need to lose weight. Hell, she even offered to pay my gym membership and where she saw it as her trying to help me, she was hurting me. Already being one clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was the person who would turn to liquor and food to curve my bad days. Those things didn’t hurt my feelings, they were always there when I needed them.sapa

2/15/13 in the wee hours of the morning, my stupid and drunk ass, passed out behind the wheel of my car, and ended up on railroad tracks somewhere in South Baltimore. Two men were around and helped me, but it could’ve gone really bad and I could’ve lost my life, or killed someone. So I began to slow down my drinking. I got married 04/24/14 and the week after, I had emergency surgery to get my gallbladder removed. Now, I don’t really know why, but the removal of my gallbladder put me in a place where it was time for me to get healthy and better.

Fast food, junk food, greasy food all made me sick and feel extremely yucky. I wasn’t happy with my weight. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. So I began to work to lose the weight. I started out with a few online challenges (Thank you Coach Taryn!) and realized losing weight isn’t just about losing weight. It’s a lifestyle change. I had to change my mentality and my approach on everything. From 225, my goal weight was 180. I made it see…img_2507

But with my depression and anxiety as well as being in an unhealthy relationship for two years, the icing fell on the cake and the weight continued to drop off. I would sit and say “I’m too small” because that’s what I hear now, even from the same people who told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. But, daily, I take pictures in the mirror, and I am falling in love with what I see. I lost 101 lbs., so I sit at a cool 124, I wear a size 6 bottoms, 34 E Bra (these tits aren’t going nowhere), and a small/medium shirt depending on the cut. And I am HAPPY! Happy because, I did this. I lost the weight, I didn’t need surgery. It was an option but one I chose to not take. I feel a different type of confidence when I walk out of the house now, despite the fact I really am still wearing my fat girl clothes, most have no idea what lies underneath.

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XL Shirt, 14 Skirt. 😦

I didn’t want to be the one taking and posting pictures, or “thirst traps” as they call it, but fuck that I look DAMN good, and it’s going to make 30 be so much better for me, because internally I am happy. I love what I see. I love how I feel. I love when people ask me what I did. It’s a LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

My mindset has gone from negative Nancy to positive Pattie. I have not one bad blood or bone in my body for anyone. I mean its bitches that don’t like me but that’s their problem because they don’t know me. YOU MISSING OUT BOO, I’M COOL AS FUCK SIS. I am happy again and I smile more than I cry. I have bad days but this was more than just weight loss for me. It was me finding myself, learning how to be unapologetically me. Learning my body and learning what works and what doesn’t. How eating certain foods caused triggers in my mood.

I’ve always been a sage burning, energy loving fool, but now that my mind, and body are aligned, my soul is happy. If I died today, I would be okay, because my soul has eternal happiness. Now how will I feel if I gain weight again? I don’t know. But I work my ass off to make sure it doesn’t. Seriously, I hate when I eat and my stomach is fat afterwards.

I’ll do another post with videos of the workouts I used during my weight loss. I will share recipes of meals I made that were both healthy and yummy as fuck and more detail of how I am maintaining myself now.

In total, I lost 101 lbs., sitting lovely at 124. Some say I’m too small, some say I’m just right. I say, thank you to the toxic relationships and people for giving me the drive I needed. I couldn’t have done it without you.

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Left: 225 (08/2015) Right: 124 (taken 9/2017)

 

Besos, my loves.
I did it!

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Day 75: Old Me vs New Me

As time moves, I am truly feeling the efforts I am making to become a better woman. But I will say, the changes I’m making, while they are positive and necessary for my life and growth, I am dealing with a lot of hurt and heartbreak.

See, this transformation was necessary because I was tired of being portrayed as a weak ass emotional bitch who cried every time life got hard. One thing is, I’m not weak, but I am fragile, sensitive and emotional. I can wake up and the cloudy sky will trigger my tears. I spent the last few weeks trying to cleanse myself and remove the negatives from my life and doing that has left me in the very spot I don’t want to be in, alone. I don’t like it. But I am okay with it. I just, I am no longer in a place in my life where people who hold no value, don’t bring value or make me better to lay stagnant in my life anymore.

Since my ex and I broke up, of course “dating” is natural and ya know it’s not even the matter of something serious (Cue: Zonnique – Ghost)

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I ain’t trying fall in love with you, I just need you for a night or two. Then I’m Ghost.

But at the same time, men as a whole rub me wrong. It’s either an excuse for why they can’t or an excuse for why I shouldn’t. I am a woman who wants what she wants when she wants it. I’m at a point where I don’t have time to assess and try to figure out the “why”, I get one bad vibe, one red flag and I am O U T! I don’t want to sit and wait for someone to act interested, especially if I’ve already done so. If you lie, I really don’t care about the why, but I’ll entertain the process of the cover up, but more than likely it’s a wrap. 

Old me – was cool with texting all day, all week even. Come Friday give an address and get it popping but I require SO MUCH MORE and the option to settle is no longer there. Old me threw around sex and was ready to bust it open for a man just off of showing me attention. But being lonely and wanting attention from men I knew didn’t give a fuck about me, eventually hurt me and has created this being I am becoming today.

New me – no you can’t sit and text me and think that’s cool. No bro, we need dates, time spent, interactions and I ain’t talking about sex. Even down to sex and my celibacy I will admit I don’t wanna be celibate. I wanna have sex but what I won’t do, is continue to give my body to men who can’t, who won’t, who don’t want to do anything for me. As a woman our bodies are our fucking temples. Every man we sleep with we keep a piece of them and it becomes a tie to your soul. I’m over that for multiple reasons. If I can’t remotely have what I want, why should any man be rewarded with the most precious piece of me?

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😂😂😂😂😂 this is seriously my life. But no, old me was broken and it showed. New me, is healing and becoming one with my scars. (Cue: Ashanti Scars)

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But you’re also healed and you don’t have to worry about bleeding anymore. You know, a scar, it’s like it symbolizes healing. So, it’s good that you got the scars and you leave cause your healed up.

I’m just in love with me, and I missed everything I’m beginning to feel again. I just have to remember to focus on me, and not my heart.

Have you been keeping up with my #Flirty30Transformation? Let’s talk! I’d love to hear from you!

Day 61: Race back to me

Moment of transparency – I started this transformation for multiple reasons, one of the main reasons was because my love ex kept telling me how I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore, and how I was spiraling out of control and he was scared for me, blah blah. Which, he was right. I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with because the woman who was once filled with happiness and joy had been bogged down in depression and anxiety. I battled being insecure but not in an aspect where I was unsure of me, but insecure as in unsure of my place in his life. My anxiety never seem to take a break, there was always some sort of drama and it took a toll on who I was. I must say – I had to let my emotions settle to assess if how I felt at the moment was for the moment or for real. I am trying to teach my daughter to say what you mean and mean what you say, but in order to instill that in her, I have to walk by it to. Even if I seriously wanted to work it out – I said I’m done, and that’s just that. I wish him well and pray that the Lord heals his spirit.giphy

Now in these last 14 days, I have been so happy. Just, I feel light, I’m not upset or crying. Small things have happened at me acting in my emotions in the moment and an obstacle would swoop in. I seriously believe being pulled over now was a blessing in disguise because the mission I was on, was a mission that should’ve been 86’d. The conversation I had with some old friends that next day, probably would’ve never happened and the liberating feeling I’ve felt since that talk, probably wouldn’t be here.tumblr_nodbkjXyxR1s7fx1to1_500

I’ve gotten back to smiling a genuine smile that’s not forced. I dread getting up because my bed is so comfy instead of racing to work to get away from negative energy. Going home is exciting again because I can escape the work day and go home to peace. It’s nice. You don’t really appreciate the small things until you no longer have them. I enjoy and missed opening my blinds and letting sunlight in. Candles and incense lit, every day, all day to keep my space smelling nice and the positive energy flowing.tumblr_nnl69s5Zt61uu5uwro1_400

The race back to me took off when I let go of what was holding me back. Plenty of lessons learned during this chapter of him. But what’s most important that I learned is – when someone tells you, you deserve better, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trust your gut, if that shit say something isn’t right, I don’t care how “insecure” it may seem, the feeling is not there for nothing. Knowing this does make dealing a lot easier as well as knowing it wasn’t me and the outpour of support that I’ve gotten from people close to me and a few who knew us both, confirmed. Clearly, I was super blinded in love when even his own friends have checked on me and have said how he was bringing me down and how they’re happy at how happy I am now.img_4787

It’s always a loss when you have to walk away from someone you love, especially on an I have to do this not I want to do this. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Until next time,

AN

 

 

Day 27 – Celibacy Oath

 

I’ve finally made my decision, for myself. I am embarking down the road of celibacy. I am super excited because I know exactly why I’m doing this, who I’m doing this for and my anticipated outcome.tenor.gif

First lemme update you – I’m single. Been trying to rekindle with my ex, but he honestly has me so confused. He says one thing, his actions say something else. Ultimately, I’m gonna believe what his mouth has said. He told me focus on me, and everything else will fall in to place. So, sex BYE!

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A while back, I asked my ex – when do you know its time to move on and he said “when you can roll over and ask ‘what else does this person bring to the table?’ is an indication its time to move on.” He’s right! Seriously. I used to think that people couldn’t wake up and just be like ‘fuck this I’m done” BUT THEY CAN! My last two relationships, while I loved both men with everything, I walked away with nothing. I walked away hurt, more debt, more scars, more tears and more fears. I feel like the basic desires, needs and wants of a woman were not met. I woke up this morning just over it.

For me – I know I’m a great catch. A little bit more emotional than your average woman, but my love is real. I ride, hard as fuck. I don’t ask for anything more than time, attention and loyalty. Ride for me like I ride for you. I know what I bring to timg_4090he table, the whole damn thing! So now, I am at a point of – what can you do for me?

I feel like if I can’t call a man or text ‘hey I’m short on funds until pay, spot me $20’, I don’t need to be fucking. If I can’t depend on him or expect him to be there for me as I am for him, in any way shape or form, I don’t need to be fucking. If I am stranded on the side of the road, and he not the first man I call, I don’t need to be fucking him! If he’s gotta ‘see what’ he ‘can do’, I don’t need to be fucking.giphy

During my reassessing, I’ve learned I’d been giving my bomb ass kitty to men who really don’t deserve it, and it stops, now. As a woman who asks for nothing, I deserve everything. I love flowers, haven’t gotten any in two years, asked for some, only to be referenced to as a gold digger when I asked. The men I dated, treated me how they did because I allowed them, maybe they were right, I didn’t know my worth. Oh, but I am learning!  I kept pushing off celibacy because I didn’t want to lose my relationship. But, why keep saving something that does nothing but bring me nuts and tears? I need and want more, but in order for my flower to grow its gotta be properly taken care of, and it hasn’t been for 9 years. Good moments, but they never last long.

I want forever, and I’m ready for forever. But I need more than good sex and a cuddle buddy. Support and motivate. Don’t play about  me. Don’t have me looking stupid. If I don’t like that bitch, that bitch gotta go and vice versa.
Anyway, this is gonna be exciting and fun. I’ll document about it as well.
Thanks for reading!
AN

 

 

 

Day 14 – b!tch, I’m me! (pep talk)

*checks mirror* biiiihhhhhh do you know who the fuck I am?! 

Bitch I’m me!!! 

I had that moment, I remembered exactly, who the fuck I am and it’s NOT the Juggarnaught Bitch! (Click link for video reference).


I am a strong, independent, black QUEEN. I have my family I take care of on my own. I been through shit, I’m going through some shit and it’s always gon be some shit! But wanna know what I’m learning? I can’t let SHIT keep on defining me!! Seriously, life has been hard, but I know who the fuck I am. BITCH, I am ME! I am a MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, HOMIE, LOVER, FRIEND.


Lately, I’ve spent more time moping and crying over the bad, I stopped appreciating the good. I have to remember just because life gets harder than normal, doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.


I could say in a sense I had a silver spoon in my mouth. While I worked hard for everything I had, I didn’t appreciate it because for so long I knew if I ever took a loss I’d be okay. My family was my crutch, and my pedestal. Their approval and support ranked at so much value that if that of anything remotely looked like a fail, they spoke and I jumped, but that’s stopped. Now, I’m doing my own thing, it’s hard because the support and love I don’t feel is there. But I understand change doesn’t sit well and it takes time to adjust. 

I do know that, I can this by myself. I can get stronger. I will become whole again. My depression and anxiety will no longer control me. I shall find peace and solace in all that I do. My happiness, is most important. I will no longer sensor the way I love, laugh, write, sing, parent, cook, work, drive or anything for that matter cause, BITCH IM ME!!


This transformation is so amazing to me. I’m really putting forth the energy, effort and patience into this transformation. I know the woman I want to be, and I’m not close, but the road to get there is beautiful.


Not taking any prisoners – all summer 17. It’s MY time. Ima do ME! Guess everybody gotta get on board or get left cause…. this train is leaving the station. 


Ps….

Happy girls are Prettier 💚

Day 7 – Letting go..


Hey you guys,

One thing on this journey I am trying to master is the art of letting go. Letting go any and everything that doesn’t bring me happiness and peace. 

I know factually I am a sponge, I soak up everything around me. A few weeks ago during my therapy session, my therapist asked me if I’ve ever been told that I’m an empath and I said no. Since then I had spent a few days looking up information and a lot of it made sense to me and it makes me ask even more questions!


Basically what I gathered is someone who’s an empath has the ability to put themselves in your shoes, literally and figuratively. Subconsciously, your life can be influenced by others unknowingly. That’s why it’s important to watch those around you and thus I bring you this post.

Knowing such vital information, it is now super important to me to protect myself from the energy stealing demons. An article I read said that when an empath takes on others emotions “unconsciously” you’re walking around with accumulated karma, emotions and energy from others (30 Traits of an empath). I knew all this bad luck coming my way wasn’t 100% mine. 

I’ve begun to watch the way I feel when I am around certain people and if my emotions don’t stay leveled. If I fluctuate in anyway, I leave, and I’ve always done this, just never understood it til now.  My love says as Pisces we’re natural empaths, and for me it’s a bit worse because I’m an empath as a person and then my sign, makes me quite the emotional ride. He goes through hell 😩😩😩. But I’m worth it, I guess because he’s still here. 

During my transformation – I’m excluding all negativity. Unfortunately, I had to break it to a special person in my life recently that her energy is just way too toxic for me and I have to do what’s best for me even if that means she has to watch from the sideline😔. It breaks my heart because letting go of people is hard, but when you realize that holding on is doing more harm than good, letting go doesn’t hurt as much. 

I’ve listed before my daily energy cleansing rituals (Relaxing) and I can say it helps a lot. It’s just so important to pay attention to you. I thought I knew myself, and I see that I was wrong. I always wondered what people saw in me, but now I’m beginning to.

I’ll admit I don’t fully know my worth, but I’m getting there and I know that a woman who knows her worth, is a dangerous thing; I can’t wait for that day. I’ll be a force to not be fucked with 😏.

Day 4 – More selfishness, less selflessness. 

Day 4 and I am excited nonetheless because I am making a conscious effort to revamp my life to bring me ultimate happiness, peace and love throughout.
Papa and I were talking and I swear my man is my best friend y’all lol. But we were talking and he’s said to me “you have to take care of you and put you first. Not saying me or us is less important but you can’t love me or let me love you when you can’t love you”.

Now for me – I was annoyed because I totally hate when  people tell me I don’t love myself or I’m not happy with myself.

However, he made a very valid point – put you first and I don’t know how to do that, truthfully. I’ve always lived my life the way others felt I should. Them being disappointed in me would tear my world apart. I always put everyone else’s needs and wants before my own. I support everybody no matter how big or small and I’ll be honest, I truly feel like with all I do, I shouldn’t have to ask not a damn person to support anything I do. Cause I feel like you’re supposed to give the love you receive, but it doesn’t work that way. 

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Lol, of course not you, my readers. But to the society that surrounds me, the ones who critique me, the ones who hate me, shade me or wanna be me.

I am really excited. I don’t know what’s in store for me. But it seems I’m on the right track. My life coach is pleased, my therapist is very helpful, my love is supportive. There is never any space for negative energy in my life ever again. As he says “lay down or get down!”

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Anyway – it’s Sunday. Dinner, hair treatments, video games and butt rubs are in order. 😘😘

****Special shout to one of my newest readers for some ideas on how to spice up my blog. I love you guys. Even you, my little lurker.****

 

Day 2 – Let the fun begin!

Hey guys!  I am super psyched to start off my #Flirty30 transformation!!! I have 270 to get back to me and I wanna share this experience with y’all!

I did set up my YouTube channel so I’ll be posting links for vlogs. Give you guys some insight on all I’m doing. I really hope you all enjoy. 

I need positive affirmations and seed planting vibes my way. I have a lot to do in less than a year. And I can’t wait!!

Super excited. All my Flirty 30 posts will be here and I’m working on my coding for the new layout. Hope you guys enjoy!!!