#TBHFridays

#TBHFriday: I Don’t Wanna Be You

Hey, my loves!

I have been slipping so bad, and I apologize!! But I promise I will get back on board. It’s been a crazy week. Especially with my new job, I’m now a group leader/ mentor for a local school. I’m psyched. I’ve been wanting to get out of healthcare for some time, and now I can add education to my resume. Whoop whoop!

As always, I hope you have had an amazing week filled with love and light. I missed you guys!!

B.A.E. Alert: So today is a day for me, one year ago today I had a major surgery and made a major life decision, I had tubal ligation surgery. The first thing people say when I say that is “but you’re so young!” But you know what, to be honest, I don’t regret it. I had lost my last child in May 2016 and went through that process alone. From the 2 long emergency room visits, the endless needles and sonograms, the stress at home and work, it was a lot and just too much and I decided then I was done and I didn’t want to go through that again. In my little bit of time making babies, I’ve lost 3, and have 2, that’s more than enough, and now with my new job at the school, I have 6 more babies. I’m all the way good.

— I Don’t Wanna Be You —

During this time of transformation, I’ve met quite a lot of people. Everyone you come in contact with at some point has some type of effect on your life, no matter if it was intended or not. We learn from everyone in one way, shape or form, that’s life. But what bothers me, is when people want to mold you into a replica of them, and NEWSFLASH I don’t wanna be you.

I live my life the way it’s fit for me to live. After my last relationship, those closest to me thought I was crazy because I said that it didn’t break me. I still believe in love, even though he didn’t love me. I still believe there are some good black men out here, and there’s one that’s still being molded for me. I preach love and let love happen everywhere, so it bothers me when people who have been hurt so bad no longer believe in love and want to push their agenda on other people, but I don’t wanna be you.

June, I started my #Flirty30Transformation and used that time to learn and study and grow into the woman I ultimately want to be. I love hair, but can’t style so I started making and wearing wigs. My cousin used to bitch at me about not wearing makeup and making myself “look cute”, so I started getting buying stuff and watching YouTube tutorials to learn.  Although I do feel like there are women who do it for insecure reasons and competition against other women reasons, I have a different respect for it all, now that I’ve gotten to this part of my life. But still, hypocrisy is real, and I find myself saying, I don’t wanna be you.

Following my dreams with writing was big for me in 2K16. When I started working with Samiyyah Dixon, she really inspired me and believed in me. I honestly wish I focused more on working with her than trying to save a toxic relationship. 2K17 hit and I took just took off running with revamping this. I’ve gone back and read my own stuff and see the growth, I see the healing and I feel like I finally found my place as a creative. With my writing, I can be whoever I want to be, and I don’t wanna be you.

Now, who is “you”? In my world, my “You” are a few people. These are beings who I don’t aspire to model my life after, I don’t take pages out of their books for future reference. When people come into my world with telling me who I should be, instead of embracing who I am, I put distance there. There’s nothing worse than negative energy and I believe everyone has demons, you just have to find the ones that play well with yours. But as an empath or “one that possesses a healing spirit”, I always seem to attract the people, good and bad, to a point where I do question if there’s any good left in the world, but then I would be you.

To be honest, it just gets tiring. I get drained around negative Nancy’s and it’s not like I’m not dealing with my own issues. I love my world of “nativity” and obliviousness because it keeps me sane. I love staying in my bubble, sticking to what I know on all aspects of life because change drains me. This transformation was especially important because I took the steps and did what I needed to do to get where I want to be, by myself. I won’t be there fully in 18 days, but I am closer than I was when I started this journey 8 months ago. The woman I will become excites me. I remember when I was that chick and on my shit before I got dick dizzy, and baby, Ima be so much better than that chick, I’ma be a problem!

Well, I already am, kinda!

My loves, talk to me. Do you have or have you dealt with people who try to sway your life to align with theirs? Let me know!

Until next time….
newproject_1_original_leqkdmiy418

 

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. I love this! Thank you so much Ash from your transparency! You are definitely a person that I can see who lives unapologetically and its contagious. It is so motivating and inspiring. You are such an inspiration to me and I am so happy to see that you have turned all things that happened to you into stepping tools to propel you. Can’t wait for our friendship to continue to grow and to see all God is going to bless you with! The security you have in who you are will be a light that continues to draw others to you

    -jasmine ❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s