Hey My Loves;
So, it’s been a while. But. I. Am. Back!! Yay!! Did y’all miss me?
I’d say so. Just a few updates, our IG is pushing to 500 followers and we’re gonna have a giveaway! Initially I wanted to give away a hair package from XOXO Virgin Hair but, because we’re approaching 500 faster than I anticipated, we’re gonna do a gift card, first. If you want in, follow our IG so that you’ll get the information to qualify.
Moving forward, I am bugging out! As y’all know, I have minions. I have Nino, who’s 9 and Bubbie, who’s 6. We need to talk about my Nino!
It’s really just this: PUBERTY HAS STRUCK MY 9 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.
Her birthday was in June and I noticed she was getting “plump” in the chesticles. But every day, I see it getting bigger. I am NOT ready for this. At all. I tried to go to my mom and she’s like “you didn’t go through that so early I don’t know what to tell you”.
I am seriously, blindly walking into this realm of her life and I have no idea how to handle it. She’s scared and nervous, I’m scared and nervous. But our fears aren’t the same.
For me, I’ve prided myself on how I’ve taken care of my children. By the time I was my daughter’s age, I had already been raped and molested. So I go above and beyond to ensure that my baby girl didn’t have her innocence and her childhood taken away from her. So where she’s scared because her body is changing, and she’s growing up. I am scared because, now I HAVE to work harder. I have to work harder to make sure she’s okay. I have to work harder to prep her mind for this world. I see all of my obliviousness in my babies, and it scares me!
I am so absent minded, on purpose honestly. Because it’s easier to navigate through life when you’re not “woke” as they say. The good thing is, my ex husband who was a marine, taught me how to pay attention to my surroundings, always have an exit and always have my mace and my knife accessible at all times. For this, I have been very cautious and careful of where I go, who I’m with and I always make sure I have my protection on me and I’m now instilling this into my children.
But now what, now that she’s growing up? I’m raising her with very little assistance from her dad. There aren’t really any male models in her life. I can teach her all that i know but we all know our children lead by example. How do I teach her how a man should treat her, but then she’s watched how I let a man treat me like shit? How do I teach her how to deal with her anxiety, anger and frustration, when I don’t properly deal with my own?
The one thing I did good was getting her to be comfortable in her own skin. Taught her, that there are duplicates, but there’s only one her. She’s watched me phase into being who I want to be, taking my life back and start living for myself. She’s watched me grow from worrying about others opinions of me, to me being unapologetically me. The transformation I am in the process of has taught me so much more about myself and I love that when I wake up everyday, I do what I want to do. I do my hair how I want. I dress how I want (unless it’s work). I eat what I want. I entertain what I want and if you’re showing me anything less than love, I take that and make it into something better, while leaving you in the rear view and these are the things I want her to know and understand, early. It’ll save her the heartbreak.
I’m just a mess. I noticed today she needs bigger bras, *wipes tears*. This can’t be my life. And I have so many questions. What will her body be like? Will her boobs be as big as mine? Will she be as thick as I was? Is she safe? Will she listen to her instincts if something triggers? Will she be passive and gullible like I was? Or did I do enough to know she’s okay?
I’ve always said, parents who don’t let their children live, are insecure because they know or feel that they didn’t do a good job raising them. I don’t feel that. But I do worry if she’s strong enough mentally for this world. Where my mom kept me sheltered, I try to avoid that with her. I want her to properly experience all the things she should as a child, teen, young adult. Because those things were taken away from me. My childhood was stolen. My teens were dull. I had her at 19 and I’ve been living for HER ever since. I have my two babies, Nino saved me from me and Bubbie keeps me sane. My heartbeat and my blood flow.
But is what I feel normal? Is this right? Can’t I stop the process? Slow it up a bit? And then we gotta have the sex talk. I’m. Not. Ready.
Jesus, take the wheel!!!!!
Y’all please ease my mind. Help me stay sane.
It’s time to get some work done! I’ll write again soon.
I am behind on Papa de Chocolate, but part 2 will be released on Monday!
Until then, besos, my loves!!