Finally comfortable enough to do this.
I was a fat little oomph. I mean seriously. Size 16 down bottom, 38 H breast, and 1x shirts if not larger depending. I was a nice 225 and while everyone would comment on my weight, good or bad, I personally was at the lowest of my confidence and self that I had ever been.
See – this is me at 18. A solid 180 lbs., 36 DDD boobies. I was a healthy “thick” weight, for my age. Yet the attention I would get from grown men was a different story.
Then – I attended Morgan State University, and lost weight. Got down to 160. Hey Me!
After my first born, I stayed at a good 180 lbs. My tits were nice, my thighs were right and my ass was POPPIN! It wasn’t until my pregnancy with my son, I battled weight the most. In 2011, after giving birth and going from 176 to 215, I hovered at 195. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t have to wear girdles and shapers. I was comfortable. Then, the weight kept increasing. I got to a good 225 and was shopping at Forever 21, and I couldn’t fit my 16’s anymore. 18’s were perfect, and I cried. I remember putting the jeans back, and saying “Fuck that!” and I began my weight loss journey.
Being that big, I didn’t have the support I needed or wanted. My mom would always say I’m fat. I should stop eating. I need to lose weight. Hell, she even offered to pay my gym membership and where she saw it as her trying to help me, she was hurting me. Already being one clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was the person who would turn to liquor and food to curve my bad days. Those things didn’t hurt my feelings, they were always there when I needed them.
2/15/13 in the wee hours of the morning, my stupid and drunk ass, passed out behind the wheel of my car, and ended up on railroad tracks somewhere in South Baltimore. Two men were around and helped me, but it could’ve gone really bad and I could’ve lost my life, or killed someone. So I began to slow down my drinking. I got married 04/24/14 and the week after, I had emergency surgery to get my gallbladder removed. Now, I don’t really know why, but the removal of my gallbladder put me in a place where it was time for me to get healthy and better.
Fast food, junk food, greasy food all made me sick and feel extremely yucky. I wasn’t happy with my weight. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. So I began to work to lose the weight. I started out with a few online challenges (Thank you Coach Taryn!) and realized losing weight isn’t just about losing weight. It’s a lifestyle change. I had to change my mentality and my approach on everything. From 225, my goal weight was 180. I made it see…
But with my depression and anxiety as well as being in an unhealthy relationship for two years, the icing fell on the cake and the weight continued to drop off. I would sit and say “I’m too small” because that’s what I hear now, even from the same people who told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. But, daily, I take pictures in the mirror, and I am falling in love with what I see. I lost 101 lbs., so I sit at a cool 124, I wear a size 6 bottoms, 34 E Bra (these tits aren’t going nowhere), and a small/medium shirt depending on the cut. And I am HAPPY! Happy because, I did this. I lost the weight, I didn’t need surgery. It was an option but one I chose to not take. I feel a different type of confidence when I walk out of the house now, despite the fact I really am still wearing my fat girl clothes, most have no idea what lies underneath.
I didn’t want to be the one taking and posting pictures, or “thirst traps” as they call it, but fuck that I look DAMN good, and it’s going to make 30 be so much better for me, because internally I am happy. I love what I see. I love how I feel. I love when people ask me what I did. It’s a LIFESTYLE CHANGE.
My mindset has gone from negative Nancy to positive Pattie. I have not one bad blood or bone in my body for anyone. I mean its bitches that don’t like me but that’s their problem because they don’t know me. YOU MISSING OUT BOO, I’M COOL AS FUCK SIS. I am happy again and I smile more than I cry. I have bad days but this was more than just weight loss for me. It was me finding myself, learning how to be unapologetically me. Learning my body and learning what works and what doesn’t. How eating certain foods caused triggers in my mood.
I’ve always been a sage burning, energy loving fool, but now that my mind, and body are aligned, my soul is happy. If I died today, I would be okay, because my soul has eternal happiness. Now how will I feel if I gain weight again? I don’t know. But I work my ass off to make sure it doesn’t. Seriously, I hate when I eat and my stomach is fat afterwards.
I’ll do another post with videos of the workouts I used during my weight loss. I will share recipes of meals I made that were both healthy and yummy as fuck and more detail of how I am maintaining myself now.
In total, I lost 101 lbs., sitting lovely at 124. Some say I’m too small, some say I’m just right. I say, thank you to the toxic relationships and people for giving me the drive I needed. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Besos, my loves.
I did it!