Can I just say again how much I abhor being single? Saturday night was one of the toughest nights for me. Even with writing Curving the Lonely Nights, and following my normal routine to stay on the path of ME, I actually found myself just in an insatiable mood. I found myself scrolling through my phone and text messages, debating. Thank God for Cruzan Rum and the shots I took prior, that sleep came right on time. I woke up Saturday morning about 6, I didnt fall asleep until the sun came up this morning, and here it is only 9:10 am and I am writing to you guys. Good Morning! I have always prided myself on being open, honest and transparent and I’m telling you its hard to move through life when the things you know you need most are not available to you.
I miss being held at night, but not that “I’m holding you just to hold you”, I miss that safe and secure feeling when being held. That feeling when you know your partners soul is as happy as yours is, in that very moment. I miss having someome to talk to after work, like physically talk to. I miss sex most of all. Such a stress reliver and work out all in one. I miss having someone to hang out with. I cook, theres no one around but me to eat it. It sucks, a lot.
Most people, when I say these things, like to refer back to the fact that “you just got out of a relationship” as if that’s any help. Am I not supposed to want what I want, because I haven’t been sinigle long enough? Am I not supposed to go make sure my needs and wants are satisfied because its “more to life”? Just fuck the fact that the true needs and wants of my heart and soul had been neglected and ignored for the last few years.
Dating in 2017 is TRASH! Guys don’t want to date. They just wanna text you all day, fuck you and keep it moving. They don’t want anything more than a nut. It’s all in their aurora. For me, I hate the phone, truth be told. I hate holding my phone. I hate texting. I HATE talking on the phone because I have to all day at work. I’ve never been a person addicted to their phone unless I am unhappy in my surroundings and need to find a way to divert my anxiety flare up. So yes, vulnerable moment, if I am always on my phone when people are around, it’s really to calm my anxiety or whatever attitude is brewing. I’m just in a place of where I know what I want, I know what I need and I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting. I spent the last two years in love with a man who did not love me, properly. I don’t ask for anything, therefore I should have everything.
After Saturday, the ball game for me changes. It may be the reason why I suffer a little bit longer, but I just refuse to put my time or energy into anything that doesn’t satisfy me. I’m not changing who I am or dumbing down my wants and needs, and I’m not waiting for them to be handled at the hands of someone else. I’ve always been a go-getter. ALWAYS. I’ve always had that “see it, like it, get it” mentality. Moving forward from today, if I see it and I like it, I’ma get it. Can’t expect anything to happen by waiting and doing nothing.
Time for me to get into action.
Happy Sunday lovers!