Day 75: Old Me vs New Me

As time moves, I am truly feeling the efforts I am making to become a better woman. But I will say, the changes I’m making, while they are positive and necessary for my life and growth, I am dealing with a lot of hurt and heartbreak.

See, this transformation was necessary because I was tired of being portrayed as a weak ass emotional bitch who cried every time life got hard. One thing is, I’m not weak, but I am fragile, sensitive and emotional. I can wake up and the cloudy sky will trigger my tears. I spent the last few weeks trying to cleanse myself and remove the negatives from my life and doing that has left me in the very spot I don’t want to be in, alone. I don’t like it. But I am okay with it. I just, I am no longer in a place in my life where people who hold no value, don’t bring value or make me better to lay stagnant in my life anymore.

Since my ex and I broke up, of course “dating” is natural and ya know it’s not even the matter of something serious (Cue: Zonnique – Ghost)

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I ain’t trying fall in love with you, I just need you for a night or two. Then I’m Ghost.

But at the same time, men as a whole rub me wrong. It’s either an excuse for why they can’t or an excuse for why I shouldn’t. I am a woman who wants what she wants when she wants it. I’m at a point where I don’t have time to assess and try to figure out the “why”, I get one bad vibe, one red flag and I am O U T! I don’t want to sit and wait for someone to act interested, especially if I’ve already done so. If you lie, I really don’t care about the why, but I’ll entertain the process of the cover up, but more than likely it’s a wrap. 

Old me – was cool with texting all day, all week even. Come Friday give an address and get it popping but I require SO MUCH MORE and the option to settle is no longer there. Old me threw around sex and was ready to bust it open for a man just off of showing me attention. But being lonely and wanting attention from men I knew didn’t give a fuck about me, eventually hurt me and has created this being I am becoming today.

New me – no you can’t sit and text me and think that’s cool. No bro, we need dates, time spent, interactions and I ain’t talking about sex. Even down to sex and my celibacy I will admit I don’t wanna be celibate. I wanna have sex but what I won’t do, is continue to give my body to men who can’t, who won’t, who don’t want to do anything for me. As a woman our bodies are our fucking temples. Every man we sleep with we keep a piece of them and it becomes a tie to your soul. I’m over that for multiple reasons. If I can’t remotely have what I want, why should any man be rewarded with the most precious piece of me?

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😂😂😂😂😂 this is seriously my life. But no, old me was broken and it showed. New me, is healing and becoming one with my scars. (Cue: Ashanti Scars)

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But you’re also healed and you don’t have to worry about bleeding anymore. You know, a scar, it’s like it symbolizes healing. So, it’s good that you got the scars and you leave cause your healed up.

I’m just in love with me, and I missed everything I’m beginning to feel again. I just have to remember to focus on me, and not my heart.

Have you been keeping up with my #Flirty30Transformation? Let’s talk! I’d love to hear from you!

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