Moment of transparency – I started this transformation for multiple reasons, one of the main reasons was because my
love ex kept telling me how I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore, and how I was spiraling out of control and he was scared for me, blah blah. Which, he was right. I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with because the woman who was once filled with happiness and joy had been bogged down in depression and anxiety. I battled being insecure but not in an aspect where I was unsure of me, but insecure as in unsure of my place in his life. My anxiety never seem to take a break, there was always some sort of drama and it took a toll on who I was. I must say – I had to let my emotions settle to assess if how I felt at the moment was for the moment or for real. I am trying to teach my daughter to say what you mean and mean what you say, but in order to instill that in her, I have to walk by it to. Even if I seriously wanted to work it out – I said I’m done, and that’s just that. I wish him well and pray that the Lord heals his spirit.
Now in these last 14 days, I have been so happy. Just, I feel light, I’m not upset or crying. Small things have happened at me acting in my emotions in the moment and an obstacle would swoop in. I seriously believe being pulled over now was a blessing in disguise because the mission I was on, was a mission that should’ve been 86’d. The conversation I had with some old friends that next day, probably would’ve never happened and the liberating feeling I’ve felt since that talk, probably wouldn’t be here.
I’ve gotten back to smiling a genuine smile that’s not forced. I dread getting up because my bed is so comfy instead of racing to work to get away from negative energy. Going home is exciting again because I can escape the work day and go home to peace. It’s nice. You don’t really appreciate the small things until you no longer have them. I enjoy and missed opening my blinds and letting sunlight in. Candles and incense lit, every day, all day to keep my space smelling nice and the positive energy flowing.
The race back to me took off when I let go of what was holding me back. Plenty of lessons learned during this chapter of him. But what’s most important that I learned is – when someone tells you, you deserve better, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trust your gut, if that shit say something isn’t right, I don’t care how “insecure” it may seem, the feeling is not there for nothing. Knowing this does make dealing a lot easier as well as knowing it wasn’t me and the outpour of support that I’ve gotten from people close to me and a few who knew us both, confirmed. Clearly, I was super blinded in love when even his own friends have checked on me and have said how he was bringing me down and how they’re happy at how happy I am now.
It’s always a loss when you have to walk away from someone you love, especially on an I have to do this not I want to do this. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Until next time,