Day 61: Race back to me

Moment of transparency – I started this transformation for multiple reasons, one of the main reasons was because my love ex kept telling me how I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore, and how I was spiraling out of control and he was scared for me, blah blah. Which, he was right. I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with because the woman who was once filled with happiness and joy had been bogged down in depression and anxiety. I battled being insecure but not in an aspect where I was unsure of me, but insecure as in unsure of my place in his life. My anxiety never seem to take a break, there was always some sort of drama and it took a toll on who I was. I must say – I had to let my emotions settle to assess if how I felt at the moment was for the moment or for real. I am trying to teach my daughter to say what you mean and mean what you say, but in order to instill that in her, I have to walk by it to. Even if I seriously wanted to work it out – I said I’m done, and that’s just that. I wish him well and pray that the Lord heals his spirit.giphy

Now in these last 14 days, I have been so happy. Just, I feel light, I’m not upset or crying. Small things have happened at me acting in my emotions in the moment and an obstacle would swoop in. I seriously believe being pulled over now was a blessing in disguise because the mission I was on, was a mission that should’ve been 86’d. The conversation I had with some old friends that next day, probably would’ve never happened and the liberating feeling I’ve felt since that talk, probably wouldn’t be here.tumblr_nodbkjXyxR1s7fx1to1_500

I’ve gotten back to smiling a genuine smile that’s not forced. I dread getting up because my bed is so comfy instead of racing to work to get away from negative energy. Going home is exciting again because I can escape the work day and go home to peace. It’s nice. You don’t really appreciate the small things until you no longer have them. I enjoy and missed opening my blinds and letting sunlight in. Candles and incense lit, every day, all day to keep my space smelling nice and the positive energy flowing.tumblr_nnl69s5Zt61uu5uwro1_400

The race back to me took off when I let go of what was holding me back. Plenty of lessons learned during this chapter of him. But what’s most important that I learned is – when someone tells you, you deserve better, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trust your gut, if that shit say something isn’t right, I don’t care how “insecure” it may seem, the feeling is not there for nothing. Knowing this does make dealing a lot easier as well as knowing it wasn’t me and the outpour of support that I’ve gotten from people close to me and a few who knew us both, confirmed. Clearly, I was super blinded in love when even his own friends have checked on me and have said how he was bringing me down and how they’re happy at how happy I am now.img_4787

It’s always a loss when you have to walk away from someone you love, especially on an I have to do this not I want to do this. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Until next time,

AN

 

 

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