I was just leaving therapy, which ultimately I leave K’s office very vulnerable. Putting my guard and defense back up when I leave out of her office isn’t apart of my healing, in fact, being vulnerable is something I need to embrace. So with that, to give you an idea of my mindset, I came out of the parking lot as I always do. I stopped, abided traffic laws when I saw him ride past me. He looked at me, I looked at him and immediately I got this uncomfortable feeling. Its the feeling I always get when I see police officers. It’s not a oh I’m guilty feeling, its the “damn I’m driving while black” feeling.
The officer slowed down pretty quickly, I sat there, and I watched him. But I had to get home, so I made my left and proceeded on my way. There was another cop nearby him that he must’ve communicated with because that car flipped U-turn in the middle of the street and proceeded to tail me, then I saw red and blue, my anxiety went into a full fledge panic mode, and neither officer had stepped out of their car yet. By the time the officer got to my window, I had my camera rolling, and I was literally having a full fledge panic attack. “Ma’am I just want you to know you’re on recorded and monitored video. What’s wrong why are you crying?” In that moment, is it appropriate to tell an officer I’m scared I’m going to lose my life? Lets not forget these ladies.
I probably went off the deep end, but after going back to my therapist last night, everything I felt, she said was exactly to be expected and it brings me to a wondering why? Why are things the way they are that, even being pulled over could give anyone that panic, that rage or those feelings? I completely complied with the demands, the search, I answered all questions honestly and transparently and I got to go home but everyone else isn’t always that lucky.
Do I feel like I was targeted? I don’t know, the original reason was because my tag wasn’t attached to my front bumper, although its in the window, but that one “mishap” opened the door to my car getting searched, being told I possibly bought a stolen car, and that my tags aren’t legit. The few people who were there for me after the fact kept saying how lucky I am because I am a female and that if I was a black man it would’ve ended differently. Just in that moment, there HAS to be a better way. My officers were nice, I had an African American male, and a Caucasian female. I don’t feel violated, they answered everything as best as they could, but I just wonder the what if, and I won’t dwell on it. But it definitely has put my psyche into another mindset. It’s something, I never want to experience again.
Talk to me! Have you been pulled over? Share your stories with me. How did you deal?