Hey Silenced Woman,
I’ve had it up to my wits end with my relationship. It’s been seven years, we have four children and he just refuses to step up and be what I need and want him to be. He’s okay with just getting by. We both work and make decent money, but our household is always struggling. I’m tired of sacrificing all the time while he doesn’t at all. I don’t know what to do honestly. Heart says stay, my mind says go. Help!!
Ok, so first take a breather. You sound exactly how I felt in my last relationship. It’s nothing worse than seeing someone with so much potential just do nothing with it and unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how much YOU believe, if they don’t, your belief doesn’t matter. Secondly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, ITS STUPID AS FUCK.
Seriously, and I am the most “follow you heart” person in the world, but your heart will have you in a relationship simply because you care about the other person and their feelings, but you cannot be a prisoner of love. Ultimately, you shouldn’t have to settle or sacrifice anything, but life happens. We as women fuck up with these men because we want them to be comfortable, we accept them as they are, but fall in love with their potential, but when those rose glasses come off, GIRL!! It’s a sight to be seen.
It just seems like its time for you to re-evaluate your relationship, especially with the children involved and please don’t “stay together for the kids” it’s not worth it. Take some time mediate, take a nice bath and get you a glass of wine and write down what YOU want in a man and in a relationship. Write down what’s acceptable and what’s not, then write down the qualities of your man, and see how they match up. But doing this, also take time to self evaluate you, one thing I learned in my last relationship is, if it ever seems like a cycle is repeating, if the story has new characters, and the outcome is the same, the problem then becomes self. For me, my ex would always compare me to the mother of his child, tell me how he’s going through some of the same things he went through with her, basically would call me the girl’s twin and during our relationship I felt like shit. How could I remind you of the person you said hurt you?
After we broke up, I really have been just taking time to re-assess. I haven’t done the whole “I want you back” more of a “I miss you and I hate that we are in this place” but it’s giving me time to really allow my emotions to settle, and see what it really is. I’ll be honest, I do wish that we could get it right, but we can’t and its okay. Just because you care about someone, doesn’t mean you have to be romantically involved with them. As I am learning, a soul mate is a life partner in any form – friend, lover, parent, pet lol, so don’t get caught up on the “we’re married. we got kids. I invested my time” Focus on you. Focus on your babies. He’s either gonna get inspired and get on, or get left and as I’ve been saying lately – if it doesn’t set your soul on fire, it’s gotta go!
I hope this helps!