My Angel…

Facebook reminded me that this time last year I was going through a miscarriage. It’s a sad moment and honestly was what drove me to the decision to tie my tubes before 30. My lady history is a very normal story, sadly. I have a uterus that sits higher than normal, per my doctors I was told at 13 conceiving would be hard to almost impossible. On top of that adding ovarian cysts and being constantly tested and biopsied for ovarian cancer.

I’ve had 3 miscarriages but this last one holds close to my heart. My ex husband and I tried to conceive before we serparated and I could not. I took that as a sign from God that having another child would not be happening. So to get pregnant, not know, and miscarry, it’s hard. It doesn’t help that I was in a world of drama last year with everyone. I ignored the signs and assumed it was a bad period because of my high levels of stress and anxiety but it wasn’t until the cycle didn’t stop that alerted me and I went to the hospital.

I often wonder how things would have gone. Ideally, I’ve always wanted to experience pregnancy with my partner, so I’m sad because I missed out on that. I think about the baby often, wonder who he/she would’ve been, how her dad and I would’ve dealt with the shade, drama and hate from our biggest haters. Although I’m sure antics from the demon, would’ve amplified. 

I took that loss pretty hard and tied my tubes. I have my two. I’m grateful. There are still women who want and can’t.

To my new angel, 

Mommy loves you. Only thing I wish is that I could’ve held you….

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