Random Thoughts of Ashleigh Noelle

Growing up a loner…

Being a loner as a child – I missed out on a lot. But my reasons for being a loner wasn’t of my own, it was the environment I was raised in. Let me explain, see my parents, have me, my sperm donor has 3 other spawns and my mom has another child, my big sister. Because my sperm donor is a fuck boy and ran from his responsibilities (which I later found out by his family I was just a side baby, which explains everything), I didn’t know any thing about my siblings until I was about 21.

Now my sister w/ my mom, we are 13 years apart, however I grew up alone. Family stories are she was a hellion as a child, so she wasn’t in our home because her and my mom were fire and ice, no more like a hot grease fire and water. So because of that, I grew up with what I call the only child syndrome. My mom worked, so normal child hood began and that quickly changed when I was sexually molested at 6…..

Quite naturally, from 6-10 I went through a lot, by myself. Rape, sexual assault, bribery, physical abuse – and guess what – ITS TRUE that children who have been touched are usually molested by a CLOSE AND TRUSTED family member. However, when you think your child would come to you, they won’t. Why? Because that family member breaks down the mentality of that child, and thus it gets “buried” unbeknownst that it’s causing psychological havoc! 

At a young age I swore off people, to the point that even now as an adult – I do not have many successful relationships. A lot of it is because I didn’t get the social motor skills the pediatrician recommends. Yeah, I went to school. But for the most part that was my only interaction with people. I didn’t go outside, as an adult I HATE OUTSIDE!! but I have kids now, so I try not to keep them in a shell. I went to probably about 2 legit sleepovers, because my mom usually always said no. If I stayed over a friends house from what I remember it was more of a “hey I gotta work tonight can she stay” vs a “hey we really love her company can she come over”. I truly feel so different from every one else that I stay in my shell.

Now being this person – I have my moments where I wanna be around people and have some fun and not be a bored sack of tits, but I always malfunction! It’s hard for me to accept that people are purposely mean and vindictive. It’s crazy to me how judgmental and ignorant people can be and where I always come from a mind of compassion and empathy, the other people in the world don’t and it confuses me. So I tend to just stay in my shell.

My love and I were talking yesterday and he told me how he loves, admires and adores the way I see the world and how no matter what I go through, my heart remains kind and my love remains pure. I always see the good, even if I react prepared for the worst. But I don’t know any other way to be, and the only way I can stay this way – is when I stay in my shell.

How does one get away with frauding the world to protect their peace and still live a fulfilling life?


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