Random Thoughts of Ashleigh Noelle

The Blues

My whole life, I feel that no matter what I do its never good enough for the people who matter. I’ve always lived my life to please and at the satisfaction of others and it’s always left me desperately unhappy. While I know, the opinions of others are not supposed to matter, I was raised to believe that they do matter, because how one is perceived is everything. I know that a lot of others perception of me is mere misunderstanding. Which sucks because I legit suffer from mental health issues, and wasn’t treated until I was good and grown. I used to try to go out of my way to change how people feel about me because it would eat me up to know there are people who don’t like me and they don’t even know me.

I am an extremely emotional person; I make irrational decisions that seem to be the best decision for me at the moment. I have no problem living with them, even if after I’ve calmed down and I’ve done shit like end friendships or relationships, quit a job or punched a bitch in the face. I mean, whatever, I accept ALL my consequences. I truly believe your initial, without a thought actions in crisis, are legit in how you feel. Kinda like how, when you’re mad you say things you “don’t mean” but the truth is, you fucking mean it. You’re just upset by the pain that you’ve caused afterwards.

A lot of days, I feel like a failure. I’ve worked hard my whole life to get the things I had, lost them, and now I am working my way back up. I always wanted my children to have a life I never had, I just didn’t think that life would be this. Now I wish they had what I had, but I feel our hardships collectively, will have them more prepared for this world than I was when I was thrown into the fire of life. It sucks though, because I truly feel I don’t have anyone in my life who understands me. When I try to talk about what I am going through, it’s always downplayed, it “can always be worse”; but that ain’t the shit I wanna hear when I am going through.

People forget we all don’t possess the same mental strength as others. While someone else who lost everything (home, job, car) they may have had a very supportive support system that helped aid them in getting back on their feet; someone else, could have not. This is why I choose to not talk to people about my issues, I feel judged and I hate hearing “shut up and pray” because my typical response to that is bitch, shut the fuck up and catch these hands.

I mean seriously, who in the fuck is anybody to tell someone what they are going through isn’t that heavy? Like, are you in their shoes? Do you possess their brain? Do you truly know their strength and nerves? People always, always show a representative, they hardly ever show their true selves. Why? Because society eats it up, and spits it back at you raw.

I pride myself on being transparent because I refuse to conform for society. I refuse to turn my kind heart off because the world is full of fuckness. I refuse to continue to change who I am to appease others (changing my behaviors), to fit in (going places that are uncomfortable, like the club), to be “somebody worth remembering” (the chick who downed henny and got a train ran on her at the most recent party). 2017 I’ve truly been doing whatever the fuck I’ve wanted to do for the most part.

I have a kind heart, I am a nice person and I am filled with compassion for anybody, even if I hate your guts, I still want you to win and will support you and that ALL the time, gets taken for granted and goes unappreciated. So often, I have the blues. I’m not confrontational, I don’t fight or argue about things, and I hate when I’m dragged to that point.

I feel like a sponge I soak in everything, and life just eats me up. I know its prime time to fight back, but with all the L’s I’ve taken, I simply just don’t have the energy. I just prefer to be in my bubble of solitude, quietness, alone, a little cold and a lot of dark. The people who I see everyday – my children and my man – are all I want and need in my bubble. Some friends would be nice, but I truly malfunction when there are too many people in my life. I do way too much to please everyone else. I already feel unappreciated with the few people I do associate with, I know factually I can’t handle more, I tried and failed.

I’m done rambling, I feel a tad bit better. If only I could end this with flickin’ my bic.

 

 

AN

 

 

 

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